Q. My husband and I have dedicated ourselves to providing our daughter with all the necessities and comforts in life. We’ve ensured she attended an excellent school and pursued her preferred university, striving to create a fulfilling and enjoyable life for her. However, I’ve recently begun to worry that we may have instilled the wrong values, as she now insists that we help her purchase a flat with her partner. Although we can afford to contribute, it feels as if she believes she has a right to our retirement funds to support her lifestyle. I recognize our role in this entitlement and wish to stop enabling her, though it pains me to consider leaving her without support out of principle. What should I do?

A. Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt and intricate concern—one that resonates with many parents. Finding the right balance between supporting our children and fostering their independence can be quite challenging, especially when feelings of love and guilt arise.

When you express that you have always endeavored to provide for your daughter, you’re identifying a significant reality: parenting directly influences a child’s expectations. Unintentionally, you might have communicated that it is your responsibility to fulfill her needs, even at your own detriment. Now, she seems to be holding you accountable for that.

This situation is indeed difficult, and it appears that she might be testing the limits of your support. That doesn’t imply she is a bad individual—she may simply be pushing against the boundaries that have, until this point, favored her. However, it’s never too late to redefine this dynamic. Some effort is necessary.

Before approaching your daughter, take time with your husband to reflect on the underlying reasons behind your parenting decisions. Were you trying to make up for gaps in your own upbringing? Did you associate financial generosity with love or security? What significance does money hold for you? It often symbolizes power, security, or connection. Financial matters are rarely just transactional; they carry emotional significance, often tied to our deepest anxieties and aspirations. Gaining insight into your relationship with money will better equip you for this vital conversation.

After this reflection, have an open dialogue with your husband about the kind of relationship you envision with your daughter moving forward. This is not solely about her flat; it’s about establishing clear and sustainable expectations for both the present and the future. Are you willing to offer financial assistance? If yes, to what extent and under what circumstances? How can you ensure that your support does not jeopardize your financial well-being or undermine her independence as an adult? Determining what feels fair to you is crucial. If the conversation becomes too emotional, seeking advice from a financial consultant or family therapist may be beneficial.

Eventually, you will need to engage in an ongoing, open conversation with your daughter—one that focuses on dialogue rather than blame. Communicate that your perspective regarding your future has evolved, and clarify what this means for how you support her. Gradually introduce your new approach, both in attitude and in specific financial arrangements. Emphasize that your love for her remains steady, but that you must also safeguard your own stability. It’s essential she understands this is rooted in love and respect for both her independence and your own needs.

She may react with anger. She might perceive this as a form of punishment and could attempt to retaliate emotionally. If she threatens to withdraw from you, remain firm. This reaction is common when someone accustomed to receiving their way encounters established boundaries. Encourage her to take time to reflect and return to you with her thoughts and ideas. Showing that you are also listening to her will help maintain connection. Nonetheless, your position should remain steady and loving.

Adapting to this change will require time—for both you and your daughter. Be prepared for resistance but stay consistent. Assure her that your actions stem from love and that you believe in her ability to create her own life alongside her partner; a life that you can all take pride in.

This situation is not about withholding your affection; it is about allowing her to fully embrace adulthood. While she may not appreciate your decisions now, she might come to recognize this as one of the most valuable gifts you could offer her in the future.

I understand this is a challenging situation, but ignoring it will only complicate matters in the long run. If the status quo remains unchanged, why would she stop her requests?

Sometimes, tough love is the most essential form of love we can offer our children.

Wishing you clarity and strength.

Email your questions to Julia Samuel, a practicing psychotherapist and bestselling author, at [email protected]